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Hooking up. Friends with benefits.


My question is, honestly, is it truly possible for men to actively seek out casual sex or hookups without being creepy?

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Now, let me clarify some things about this question. How does a man even bring up the idea without ever creeping out a woman? Many women seem to be repulsed by the idea. Some may like it, but only with certain men.

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Another thing is even approaching. Ask on Reddit about it, every single possible venue has its detractors. It would be one thing if these were just framed as personal preference, but these always carry the implication that any guy who would do this is probably predatory.

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Just about the only uncontroversial venue is Tinder. Some may say that the best thing to do is through social circles or activity groups. The fact that she even would meet me again is slim to none. She could tell others about how I creeped her out, my already existing friends would be more suspicious of me, any future interaction with any female member of the group would be tainted, I might even get shunned from the group.

That makes me never want to look to friends or activity groups. So basically, how is it even possible for a man to look for hookups without being creepy? First, the woman has to not be offended by a simple approach. Then, she has to not be repulsed by the idea of hooking up, and then, to not be repulsed by the idea of hooking up with him. None of those are knowable without asking in the first place. But to ask requires approaching in the first place.

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And then if he asks, she would then know he thinks of her like that…. People — guys, gals and non-binary pals — regularly find folks who are looking for one night standsfriends with benefits and partners who are just looking for sex without the strings or complications of a committed relationship. Despite what folks would tell you, women are as interested in sex as men, including an interest in casual sex and no-strings hook-ups.

Barrier that folks frequently run into is that women who sleep with men face disproportionate levels of risk than men dothe sex that they find — or are offered — is often not that good, and a lot of times, the men they hook up with prove themselves to have a nasty case of Crouching Nice Guy, Hidden Douchebag afterwards.

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When guys try to get someone to fuck them and then turn around and shame women for doing exactly what they were asking for, that tends to disincentivize women from being as up front or open about wanting to bang. But when you mitigate the risks, including post-coital slut-shaming, women are emphatically down for it.

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Some of this is ignorance, some of it is inexperience and a whole lot of it is a combination of low self-esteem, listening to the wrong people and a heaping helping of confirmation bias. This is, in fact, a common issue on Reddit, where non-representative samples are regularly held up as proof of random bullshit…. Which is actually le us to the next issue: a lack of experience. Your interpretation of this seems to be predicated on the idea that finding a FWB or casual hook-up is primarily a meet-someone-and-hit-on-them scenario that le to them going home with you that very night.

This is more how people tend to think it works, rather than how it actually plays out. A particularly horny brick. The issue with a lot of the examples that you listed is that approaching women for sex goes against the social contract.

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This does, admittedly, depend on the type of bar. What it requires is being aware of not just the social norms, but paying attention and knowing how to read social als. The same is true of folks at the coffee shop, at the book store or in class.

You want to give your attention and time to folks who are open to or actively interested in talking. The same is true for someone at a bar.

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By that same token: nobody appreciates a guy who treats a MeetUp or a dance class like a singles bar. Dudes who cruise those like horny sharks make the experience a misery for everyone. This same approach applies to people in your social circle too. Then things are gonna be fine. And, incidentally, the same approach applies to dating apps.

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First and foremost: much of why dudes have less success on dating apps is completely down to how people use those apps — bad pictures and profiles, engaging in behavior that downgrades them in the algorithm, poor messaging behaviors and treating each potential match as the end-all-be-all of dating. Meet up for 15 minutes for coffee or ice cream and see if you have as much of a connection in person as you do over text.

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From there plan an actual date and see where it goes from there. If what you want is a casual relationship without an expectation of commitment, then you have to be willing to put that out there. You want people who are on the same as you. Pretending that you might be open to a relationship or looking for something long term Looking for nsa kinda thing to avoid chasing people away will only lead to heartache and annoyance.

It also means that you stop casting your interest as something unfortunate or to be hidden or that makes you undesirable. This is where ignorance and inexperience comes into play. The only way you can actually succeed is to get in the game in the first place. There is no reward without risk, nor is there any way of getting what you want without taking a chance at being rejected.

The way you learn is through trying, making mistakes, learning, trying again and succeeding and learning from that, too. That is unquestionably part of why this freaks you out. Take it step by step, not trying to get a place on the varsity team on your very first time on the field.

Come at this from a place of having conversations and getting to know people. The more experiences you have, the more your skills will develop. The more you develop those skills, the more success you will have. And seriously, stop looking at subreddits as proof of anything but the opinion of that person on that subreddit… and half the time, not even as that. Samantha Finch Someone won't be able to forget you exist if they see you regularly, but unless you get weird and aggressive after being turned down, it's not likely to be a big deal. NerdLove Dr. NerdLove Store Dr. Hello Doc, My question is, honestly, is it truly possible for men to actively seek out casual sex or hookups without being creepy?

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Good luck. Ask Dr. Recent Comments Samantha Finch Someone won't be able to forget you exist if they see you regularly, but unless you get weird and aggressive after being turned down, it's not likely to be a big deal.

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She's telling her friends about her day. This is a normal thing to do. Whether the awkward But he also had a brand new, in box phone so who knows. I ran into a ton of dudes on dating sites that would try to convince me I was You're not important enough.

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I know you may think that people Nerds and Male Privilege. When Masculinity Fails Men. Tags abusive relationships ask dr.

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It sounds easy, but the truth is, if you're just looking for a casual hookup , it can involve just as much negotiation and emotional awareness as a deeper romantic encounter.


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